


Petit Ami

by kaworupaul



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:52:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaworupaul/pseuds/kaworupaul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren accidentally hooks up with his enigma of a French teacher.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Old Ricky Nixon

Hello. I haven't written in a while, but this was just a sort of spontaneous thing that happened and depending on feedback, I may or may not continue writing this. Also, I'm attempting to illiustrate bits of it here and there, so perhaps I will add some scattered drawings within my writing at some point. But this all depends on whether or not anyone actually cares. 

I hope you enjoy this. I have been told my sense of humour is a little peculiar but regardless, I do hope someone can take something positive out of this, so, without further ado, here it is. 

((Also, on a side note, my French may not be perfect, as I have only studied it for a little over a year, and therefore I am open to corrections. Do take anything I write that isn't in English with a grain of salt. Thank you.))

* * *

 

“It’s not day two. I don’t give a shit what anyone says, I am too tired for it to only be the second day of senior year.” Eren groaned as he plopped into his seat at the back table of the lunchroom.

 

“Perhaps if you weren’t up all night jacking off you wouldn’t feel so shitty,” Mikasa, the transfer student who had been living with Eren since freshman year, remarked in her usual casually-obscene manor.

 

Eren rolled his eyes; he was in no place to deny his perversion, so he instead directed the conversation to his childhood friend Armin, “So, Arms, you get a lot of homework last night, since you’re in all those fancy AP classes or whatever?”

 

Armin sunk down into his seat silently and nodded. His friends got the message that he too was up past midnight. “Any of you guys have assignments you need help on?” Armin offered, as usual.

 

“Actually, yeah,” Eren said, “I’ve got this French teacher who’s fucking nuts. I don’t even think he speaks English, all the guy does is babble on about who-knows-what in French or something, as if any of us understood what he was saying!” Eren began to rant, which seemed to only tire his friends more, “ And He handed out some, uh, thing resembling a homework sheet yesterday.” He slipped the paper out of his bag and placed it on the table in front of Armin. “It’s due next period. Have a ball.”

 

“Eren I don’t take French. I’ve never taken French. What do you expect me to do? This entire sheet is in French.” Armin stated, his frustration bleeding through his usual monotone expressions. “I can’t help you.”

 

Eren snatched the sheet back from Armin and sighed “Fine I’ll just draw dicks all over it or something.”

 

If you had asked Armin or Mikasa about the rest of that lunch period, they’d both say they’d never seen Eren so passionate about filling out a worksheet in years.

 

And when the time came to hand in his defaced assignment, he looked his French teacher dead in the eyes as he handed in his homework of phallic scribbles. His teacher looked down at the paper and back up at Eren, and laughed explosively.

 

“Alors, je ne suis pas la seule pédé dans cette class.” he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, as if he found amusement in confusing all of his students with his foreign tongue.

 

Had Eren gotten more than two hours of sleep the night prior, he may have remained awake, maybe even try to see if someone knew what his teacher had said to him, however, Eren couldn’t care less. It was time to catch up on his sleep.

  
  


By the time he woke up, the classroom was empty. Within a minute or so, his French teacher crept in to greet him with an intimidating ‘bonjour.’ Eren nearly pissed himself, though not like he’d ever admit it. Besides, he was quite good at hiding his fear, or so he thought -- but it seems this particular French teacher could smell fear.

 

“Tu aimes dormir en ma classe, non?”

 

Eren decided it was time to speak up, “Look, dude, I’m sorry but like I don’t have a clue what you’re saying like you can keep me here all you like but I’m not gonna get the message unless you switch over to English or something, Mister… err”

 

“Levi. Je m’apelle Levi.”

 

“Oh so you do get what I’m saying, you just enjoy being a hardass. Isn’t that right, Levi?”

 

“Oui, c’est vrai.” Levi smirked, leaning against a desk in front of Eren’s.

 

Eren wanted to leave. He could feel Levi’s eyes digging deep into his mind. He needed to get out of there. “Look man I’m really sorry about all of this but it’s like…” Eren looked down at the clock on his phone and his jaw dropped, “Shit! I’m gonna miss my bus!” He exclaimed, forgetting all about his creepy French teacher and the fact he must have slept through three entire periods, he bolted for his bus.

 

Over the next month or so, Eren utilized his time in Levi’s class responsibly. Either he was sleeping, or defacing nearby surfaces with drawings of dicks. Though mainly out of spite for his secretly bilingual instructor, Eren still put in a generous amount of effort into seemingly doing nothing at all. Besides that, the fall had been rather uneventful as of yet.

 

However, Halloween was approaching. And for a bunch of stoned, alcoholic, teenage nobodies like Eren, Armin, and Mikasa, that meant getting slammed at whatever bar they could manage to sneak into and wearing stupid costumes while doing it.

 

This year, Eren went for the political option, sporting a Nixon mask that he seemed to have found at the deepest point of the uncanny valley. Though he knew little of Nixon’s political career, Eren still enjoyed mocking privileged upper class, aristocratic scumbags and the politicians they once idolized. Mikasa went for the classic ninja, and Armin went with Batman, because, in his words, duh. Along with them came Sasha Brauss, a classmate who happened to be with child in her senior year of high school, and so obviously chose to be a pregnant nun (also because duh), and the father of her child, Connie Springer, who wore the same banana suit he had worn multiple years prior.

 

And so, like every year since freshman year, the five of them smoked some pot, got into costume, and then set out to enter whatever bar they happened to walk by first.

 

Though stoned out of their minds, navigating the streets of Zhiganshina was a breeze; almost as if it had been tailored for the wandering stoner. One way or another, you were bound to find yourself within the vicinity of a stripclub or bar or other merchant of questionable services.

 

The alcohol trail ran rampant with whatever-color-a-frothy-mixture-of-beer-and-vomit-would-be that night. Bar after bar, the gang grew more and more woozy, until the general consensus was that everyone would put in their wager, score a hottie, or if not - go home alone and horny - because they were usually worn out by the time 3AM struck.

 

And so, with fifteen minutes left on the clock, the gang abandoned the dance floor and tried to score. From an outsider’s perspective, this looked like a wild goose chase with life-or-death consequences, however, to them the threat was all too real. If they didn’t find a partner to go home with, they’d have to be driven home by Sasha, the resident pregnant person and therefore designated driver.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Eren swore he saw someone familiar, although, to be fair, it was quite difficult for him to see at all from inside the rubber head of Richard Nixon. However, he humored the sentiment, and drew his attention to the man behind him.

 

It took a second for Eren to process, however, “You’re that dude from Rocky Horror Picture Show!” Eren said eventually. The man dressed as Frank N Furter gave him an impatient stare.

 

“Uh, your…” Eren caught himself examining the costume for whatever reason, but he quickly redirected his eyes to the ground in an attempt to avoid the sweet transvestite’s intimidating glare, “Your costume is pretty hella-”

 

The Transylvanian smirked, “Alright I can tell you’re being all bashful because you want something, so get on with it. I’ve got work tomorrow. You wanna bang, we go now.” He said, in what sounded like some kind of fancy European dialect. Like Eren would know though, he had no ear for that sort of thing, neither did Nixon.

 

“Well I mean,” Eren knew he wasn’t gay, the same way people in the Dark Ages knew the Earth was flat, but this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he was an eighteen year old virgin in a Nixon mask at a bar that he was too high to realize was a gay bar. He figured he could use a little ass, “Yeah let’s do that” Eren said, still intimidated by the leather-clad-barely-five-foot-something man.

 

Before he knew it, he was in some run-down motel not a mile from the bar, sitting across the bed from Doctor Frank N Furter, and wearing nothing but a Richard Nixon mask and tube socks. “So uh,” Eren began in his awkwardly round-about way, “not that I’m not glad to be here or anything, but why me? Like I can’t be the first dude to have complimented you or something, and I’m sure you don’t offer to sleep with everyone who you talk to so like-”

 

“Let me cut you off there, Rick, hm, it’s okay if I call you Rick right?” He laughed playfully, “and you can just call me Frank for now.” Frank crawled towards Eren as if he was his dinner, “This is going to sound weird but I adore anonymity. Not knowing who it is you’re having sex with, not even seeing their face? Ah! You were the perfect match my dear Nixon.” Frank’s lips met the rubbery carvings on the Nixon mask. “I want you to fuck me, Ricky.” he whispered right into the eyeholes of the mask, his warm breath hitting Eren’s eye.

 

“Hh- okay, then.” And with that settled, Eren attempted to apply years worth of studying various genres of porn to actually having physical sex. Though as he moved down Doctor Furter’s body, trying to give each inch careful attention, he found it difficult to arouse the man’s glitter-and-makeup doused body with just a little slit in his mask for him to squeeze his own tongue out of. “This’d be a lot easier if I could use my lips you know,” Eren retorted, still trying his best to make it sound sexy, though with his vocalizations muffled by old Rick Nixon, he doubted anything he could possibly utter would have even a hint of sex appeal.

 

“How about this then,” The doctor said, removing his previously unbuttoned vest, and reaching for the bottle of lube on the nightstand, firmly squeezing a splotch of it into his palm, all the while not removing his gaze from the Nixon on top of him, “Ricky, could you take this garter belt off for me, it’s just way too tight,” he teased. Eren swallowed a lump in his chest and removed the garment with only minimum struggle, “oh, and the panties too,” Frank added. Eren leaned over Frank and attempted to sensually slide the leather bottoms down his legs, which still sported fishnet stockings. Eren wouldn’t bother offering to remove those, however.

 

As soon as he had thrown his new friend’s panties off the bed, Frank shoved two of his fingers through the slit in Eren’s mask and into his mouth. “Make them wet,” he commanded, and Eren humbly obliged, trying his best to keep his tongue movements consistent as they rubbed against Frank’s fingers. He could taste the lube. Thank god it was the flavored kind, he thought, in fact, the flavor was so pleasant he could see himself sucking on Frank’s fingers for quite a while, however, Frank had other things in mind.

 

Before long, Frank inserted his doused digits inside of himself, and he and Eren were both jerking off to the thought of what was to come. “Oh, Mister Nixon, your cock is huge, we’re going to need to put a lot lube on it if I ever hope to fit your monster dick inside of me,” Frank teased with that exotic accent of his. Eren could have came then and there, but thankfully, through years of solo training, he possessed the endurance necessary to resist such temptations, and as ordered, he grabbed the bottle of lube and squeezed some onto his dick as if he was applying ketchup to a hotdog. Eren was disappointed in his own lack of creativity in regards to lubricant application, but he reminded himself he had better things to worry about.

 

He let Frank stroke himself until satisfaction, clear out his fingers, and get on all fours, before bringing himself to enter the crossdressing mad scientist. As he initiated impact, he was almost more startled at the sounds he himself was making rather than the booming moans coming from the man he was now inside of, “Oh, fuck, Nixon, it’s huge!!” Frank grunted, “fuck, start pounding me with that monster cock of yours you fucking hottie,” and, yet again, Eren humbly obliged. The hardest part was over, or so Eren had thought. However, keeping up with Frank’s hips proved a challenge.

 

At some point amidst the violent thrusts and heavy moans, Eren found he had lost track of where he ended and his companion began. Perhaps to ensure they hadn’t somehow quite literally become one, Eren quickly removed himself from Frank’s interior and flipped the much smaller man over onto his back. He took a deep breath and plunged his throbbing cock back into its newfound dwelling.

 

“Aw fuck Ricky I didn’t think you had it in you,”

Frank expressed lustfully, wrapping his arms around the neck of the boy on top of him and slamming his hips into the other man’s barbaric thrusts. “What a fucking precision dick you’ve got there. You know all the right fucking places you little shit!” He taunted, his voice cracking here and there as he did. He gasped, “I hope you know I’m gonna cum all over your fucking stomach though.”

 

Eren would have replied, however he could barely remember to breathe as it was. “I… fuck” he uttered in desperation, as he jammed his cock deeper into his petit ami. Said little friend responded by digging his long fingernails into Eren’s back, and he bit into his throat as well, probably in a desperate attempt to avoid waking the entire city with his moans. Eren, however, was not so courteous, and shot out a an even ninety-six decibels of ecstasy as he released his load inside of his mystery lover, and in turn, ‘Frank’ did the same, and as promised, all over Eren’s stomach. Little was said before they both passed out from exhaustion.

 

Eren awoke still within the head of former president Richard Nixon, and discovered his newfound lover, face in pillow, and perhaps just as hungover as Eren was himself. “So, Frank, I never got your name,” he tried to say as lightly as possible so as not to upset either one of their headaches.

 

“Take your fucking mask off I can’t hear you.” ‘Frank’ groaned. Eren did as he was told. “I’m Eren, by the way. Eren Jaege-”

 

The one previously known as Frank’s face shot right out of the pillow and looked into Eren’s eyes with absolute horror “... sacrebleu, tu es ce garçon pédé.” he mumbled as if being struck with infinite terror.

 

It didn’t take Eren long enough to notice that “Frank”’s makeup had smudged off in his sleep, and that underneath was an all-too-familiar face that spoke an all-too-familiar language, though Eren’s reaction was perhaps a bit more calm,“Shit, you’re… oh Levi, Christ dude I had no idea tha-” Eren tore his mask off to get a better look at Levi, who was visibly in distress.

 

“Shut up!! Shut up! Don’t scream so fucking loud my head hurts and I-” Levi’s expression went from bad to worse when he noticed the tent in the sheets, “and you’re hard again dammit.” He looked at his wristwatch and started to panic, “and we have to be at school in an hour and I’m going to end up in prison for statutory sex and I don’t think they take kindly to little gay French guys in American prison and what if I’m in there for life the last time I’ll have had real sex is with some snot-nosed shit in a Richard Nixon mask and I’ll die no what if they put me on death row they’ll probably kill me in prison anyways I mea-”

 

Eren put his index finger to Levi’s lips, “Good news, dumbass, I’m eighteen. You might lose your job but that’s it.” Eren reassured the surprisingly panicky Levi, “look we have about twenty minutes to get ready give or take so why don’t we just hop in the shower and you give me a blow job, okay?” He tried to say as nicely as possible.

 

His comforting gesture must have worked because Levi reassumed position as resident sassy-immigrant, “Who said I was giving you a blow job?” He said, his accent more evident with the return of his usual condescending tone and his breathing slowing to a normal pace.

 

“Well I’m sure as hell not going to school with a massive hard-on, and a BJ will be faster than a handy and sure as hell faster than me relieving myself.”

 

Levi sighed, “fine but I’m not swallowing.”

 

“No one said you had to.”

  
  



	2. The Topic at Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning afters can prove frightful experiences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is, chapter two. Not much to say about this one. I guess I'd warn you guys about smut and profanity and stuff, but this has an adult rating so that stuff is essentially a given anyways.
> 
> Also, I've decided to add a translation section at the bottom, since some characters will speak other languages throughout the chapter. So instead of using a mechanical translator, which can be rather unreliable, depending on the languages you're working with, you can just go to the bottom and see what I meant. This also clears things up if there are any errors within those bits (because there probably is. Like I said before, I'm no expert in any other languages, I just enjoy dabbling in exotic tongues is all.)
> 
> All of that being said, I do hope you enjoy!

Getting out of bed proved difficult. Between Levi’s apparent back pain and Eren’s weakness in the knees, they both managed to collapse onto the floor in the process of removing themselves from the now-sticky duvet.

 

As their sore bodies hit the cheap bowling-alley-reminiscent rug of the shitty motel, Eren and Levi’s hope for an easy morning was suddenly shattered into a million tiny little pieces of bilingual expletives.

 

“Merde!” Levi shrieked, “Hey little shit help me up will you?, since this is technically your fucking fault.”

 

With the promise of a blow-job as his solitary form of motivation, Eren struggled back onto his feet and mustered the strength to help the surprisingly heavy little Frenchman off the ground without a single complaint.

 

And it was worth it because said blow-job turned out to be the greatest sober experience of Eren’s short life thus far. Having his French teacher’s lips humming into his flesh as the two of them mutually bathed in the fickle temperature of crappy motel water was surprisingly romantic, though also slightly painful as the water jumped from freezing to piping hot within matter of seconds. However, the unpredictable nature of the climate around them went along quite well with Levi’s blowjobs, which were, as Eren found out, quite unpredictable as well.

 

“Fuck you’re trying really hard to make me cum aren’t you?” Eren taunted, which earned him a some abrupt tooth action from his professeur. Eren grunted, he could feel the corners of Levi’s lips rise into a smirk, which then made him vocalize all the more.

 

“Dammit you should use that fucking tongue of yours to do more of this and less confusing the fucking shit out of me in class” Eren said in between gasps, and in return, Levi gifted him another brief nip, which threw Eren over the edge.

 

He returned from his orgasmic state to see Levi’s face nearing as if about to kiss him, so Eren was startled when instead of an intimate smooch, all he got was his own cum spat back at him.

 

“There, now wash that shit off that nasty mug of yours and get dressed,” Levi said before making amends for his previous rude gesture by giving Eren a crude smack on the behind, after which, they both left the shower. “Oi, et aujourd'hui, tu as un examen. Bonne chance,” Levi smiled.  
  
“uh… wee wee…” Eren tried to converse in a hopeless attempt to impress his teacher.

 

“Alors, tu comprendre moi maintenant? Bon. Si c’est vrai, je ne vais pas parler en anglais.”

 

Eren didn’t know how to react. He hadn’t the slightest idea what Levi had just said to him and he was getting nervous over what to do next, as if given a test he clearly wasn’t prepared for; except this time he actually cared about getting all the answers right. Prior to this, Eren thought his apathy knew no bounds, so the realization that he cared about some guy he picked up at a gay bar who happened to be his French teacher was a bit of a shock.

 

Somewhere in between Levi’s multiple French rants and angry overseas phone calls, Eren managed to find his pants and his way into the shotgun of Levi’s car.

 

“Wait, weren’t you wearing something different last night,” Eren said, hangover still evident in his tone.

 

“What do you take me for,” Levi rolled his eyes, “some idiot who doesn’t bring spare work clothes with him on his holiday gay bar excursions incase of a one night stand?”

 

Eren didn’t know how to reply, so he just stared out the window until a question he’d been meaning to ask Levi for a while popped in his head, “So, uh, why do you wear that gay scarf thing anyways? Don’t you have a tie or something.”

 

Levi threw his head back in aggravation, paying no heed to the fact that he was driving and therefore should have been keeping his eyes on the road . “It’s an ascot, Jaegar. The word you’re looking for is ascot.”

 

Eren pouted; he still could only take so much of Levi’s foreign brand of sass. “Why did you even have sex with me in the first place anyways?” He finally asked what had been on his mind the whole morning.

 

Levi laughed, eyes still barely gracing the road, “So you didn’t believe me with the whole anonymity fetish thing last night, non? Well that’s not surprising…” He took a deep breath as if about to get something that had really been paining him out in the open, “I had sex with you to get back at, well… my ex, whom I had parted with a few minutes prior to seeing your sorry ass. You were easy to spot, and I was pissed in more ways than one. It was, how you say, simple.”

 

Eren felt mildly relieved and perhaps a bit offended, “Oh… uh well that clears things up, I guess,” He said, letting out a sigh.

 

“I’m sorry I used you.” Levi paused to check his mirrors for the first time since he got in the car with Eren, “That being said, considering your exceptional performance last night, I promise you this will be no one-night stand,” Levi directed his gaze at Eren sporting the cheekiest smile he could conjur. Eren had to put all his effort into not getting a boner.

 

“So, uh, after school then? My friend Armin can get us keys to the band room, that place is usually deserted during marching band practice, or maybe the library… no one’s ever in the library…”

 

“Oi, you’re getting ahead of yourself. You can’t just plan these things - that takes away so much of the spontaneous eroticism involved in affairs of this sort. You just have to let things take their course, if you know what I mean,” Levi ranted.

 

“Ok, so, correct me if I’m wrong here, but if in the middle of class your whole hon hon baguette eiffel tower routine just really turns me on, I should get on all fours and beg you to fuck me in the middle of class, right?”

 

Levi nearly choked, “Quite the avid romantic, aren’t you Mister Jaeger?” he said, trying to recover from the blow he’d just been dealt.

 

After twenty minutes of battling between arousal and genuine fear that Levi was in fact the world’s worst driver and that the two of them were going to die because of it, they finally reached the faculty parking lot.

 

Levi straightened up his ascot in the rearview mirror then turned towards Eren, “how do I look?”

 

“Like shit,” Eren replied, “You’ve got massive bags under your eyes and it’s really obvious you had no time to shave this morning.”

 

“Thanks, hunny.” Levi snarked. “Now get to school already, I’ll see you sixth period, you little shit.” He gave Eren one last smack on the bum before sending him off. Levi figured that was safe enough, considering there wasn’t a soul in the faculty parking lot this late in the morning. Or so he thought.

 

Eren was unfortunate to have Physical Education first period, especially when his teacher was the quite large and rather frightening yet surprisingly handsome Mr. Smith. The only thing Eren could look forward to was talking to Armin, who usually had good insights that Eren thought may cure his now troubled state of mind.

 

He joined Armin in the boy’s locker room and immediately felt he had to spill the beans concerning the events of last night, “Guess who’s not a virgin anymore, Arms!” Eren exclaimed.

 

“Oh good, we thought you were killed by a drug cartel or something. I mean, the last thing everyone expected was for you to get laid - but I’m impressed. I wonder what Mikasa will think though…”

“Whatever, man!” Eren cut Armin off, “I’m sure you want all the details.”

 

“Oh sure, tell me all about her.” Armin rolled his eyes.

 

“Well he’s…” Eren paused. It had just come to his attention that Levi was a man. And that Eren had sex with said man. “Shit wait.”

 

Armin’s jaw dropped at the employment of a male pronoun. “You’re gay? You like men?”

 

“Sh-shit I guess I am. I- I mean,” Eren scanned the boy’s locker room for scantily clad men to test his newfound revelation on, “I mean… I guess… uh, Reiner has… nice abs??” He said, looking at the quarterback from the corner of his eye, “I mean… would I have sex with him?? I don’t know…”

 

“Anyways, Eren, this is quite a development. Do tell everything.”

 

“Oh! Right!” Eren suddenly got back on track, “well first, you’ll never guess who I slept with…”

 

“Eren it’s way too early for guessing games, just get on with it.”

 

“Well, you know that French teacher I’m always complaining about, right?”

 

Armin shook his head as if he’d misheard, “You… you’re kidding right? Monsiuer Omlette du Fromage?” He asked, nearly laughing himself crazy.

 

“Is the pope Catholic?” Eren chuckled nervously, almost proud of his poorly delivered and worn-out euphemism.

 

“Arlert, Jaeger!” A loud voice from behind the boys made its way into the locker room, “ -- get your sorry asses out here if you want to live another day!” The booming shout brought Eren and Armin back to reality. The boys looked around to see the locker room was vacant. “Shit,” Armin said as if suddenly realizing he was to die shortly. Eren stayed quiet and focused on not pissing himself.

 

“You’re running laps today, men,” The voice announced, to both Eren and Armin’s horror. They both turned around slowly to see Mr. Smith smirking at them from the doorway, looking more vengeful than usual.

 

This man has seen hell and back, Eren thought.

 

Eren and Armin were as good as dead. And if Mr. Smith didn’t kill Eren, surely his next class would.

 

“Welcome back to lab, children,” Dr. Zoe, Eren’s biology teacher, said with a menacing grin on their face. “Today, we will be blowing things up.”

 

Eren’s lab partner, the soon to be father Connie, was seemingly ecstatic about this revelation, despite this being the umpteenth day in a row Dr. Zoe decided it was a good idea to set fire to lab reports in creative and innovative ways, and even more so despite the fact that Connie definitely drank tenfold the amount Eren had the previous night.

 

There were many days in that class Eren couldn’t tell if he was having nightmares about nuclear warfare or hadn’t fallen asleep yet and the terror was real. Today was one of those days.

 

However small the odds may have seemed, Eren still managed to safely slumber through his two-period lab without being set on fire. He thanked whatever god must have intervened to protect him through those turbulent times and moved on to his fourth period with one Mr. Zacharius, who was more commonly known as Mister Porn Stache behind his back.

 

Mike Zacharius was a peculiar teacher, in that it was apparent he had no agenda to keep his reputation at bay. Many students had accounts of him sniffing them whilst they were taking his tests. When asked about this habit, he merely grinned, and continued teaching the incoherent gibberish that was more commonly known as high-school level trigonometry.

 

Furthermore, there was a myth in circulation that he was a porn star back in the 80’s. Connie said he had even found the tapes to prove it. Unfortunately, the pornography industry of the 80’s couldn’t afford to produce videos in high enough definition that one could be absolutely sure that man with the weird facial hair is the same man who sniffed you when you told him you didn’t know what the fuck a cosecant was.

 

With all of this on his mind, it took Eren absolutely no effort to doze off again, only to be awoken minutes later with sweet nostril breeze running through his hair.

 

“Eren, my boy,” Mr. Zacharius began, “this is the third day in a row you’ve slept in my class,” the math teacher said with a smirk, “I hope you know where to find theta on a coordinate plane because you have a test on Monday.” Eren was too tired to process that piece of information before the bell rang and he ran for his dear life to his homeland: the lunchroom.

 

Eren waltzed into his kingdom with every subject gawking at him. In his lethargy, this was a regal experience; to see everyone gazing at him with awe, Eren felt on top of the world. In reality, Armin had unintentionally told Sasha about Eren’s night with the infamously short and even more so infamously a raging French homosexual who had previously dated infamously bi-curious Erwin Smith (unbeknownst to the ever-oblivious Eren) -- after which Sasha traded this valuable information for people’s lunch money. From there, the headlines in everyone’s mind read That One Creepy Stoner Kid No One Talks to is Gay Now and Banged That One Angry French Teacher No One Talks to Because He Never Speaks English.

 

Eren lowered himself onto the bench he sat on every day before and settled into his typical slouch before alluding to his friends’ shocked expressions, “uh… howdy?”

 

“エレン イェーガー  この だい ホモ よ!” Mikasa grumbled at him in her native tongue.

 

Eren pretended to understand, as he always did, “Yeah I know I’m sorry for not making it home last night.”

 

“ほんと バカ だな。。。”

 

“Or that I didn’t text you.” Eren added, feeling confident that his assumptions regarding Mikasa’s concerns were correct.

 

“You fucking idiot,” she laughed, “I’d just assumed you passed out in an alleyway or something. What surprises me is that you banged that French teacher you’re always complaining about. Which also makes you gay. Which is also a surprise.”

 

Eren opened his mouth to speak but was swiftly interrupted pre-statement by Mikasa, who happened to be particularly talkative for the first time in her life, “though it might be wrong to say you’re outright gay,” she pondered, “I mean you could be bi, or pan, or conceivably anything really…”

 

“Mikasa!”

 

“I’m just surprised you weren’t aware of your sexuality earlier, I mean for being quite the avid masturbater, were you not thinking of men or…”

 

“Mikasa!”

 

“Perhaps you’re just straight with homosexual tendencies or…”

 

“Mikasa!”

 

The transfer student finally ceased in wondering-about the topic at hand, and actually paid some attention to the topic at hand. “Yes, what is it, Eren?”

 

“How do you even know about all this?”

 

“Oh everyone knows.”

 

Eren didn’t even have time to give Sasha, the obvious culprit, an angry glare before a fear-perpetuating voice came over the P.A. system.

 

“Ahem… ...Would mister Eren Jaeger and Mon-what? Uh how do I even say that? Okay here goes. Monseeeuur Levi please report to the principal’s office. Thank you.”

 

I’m fucked, Eren thought. Never before had I been so absolutely, thoroughly fucked. My asshole is gaping because I’ve just become completely and utterly fucked. 

 

Then, of course, the thoughts of one Mister Levi acting as the fate that was currently fucking him rushed through Eren’s mind and for once sweet second, everything was fine. The seconds following, however, were quite the opposite.

 

He quivered his way nervously into the office of one Dott Pixis, aka Patrick Stewart's long lost twin, and lowered himself carefully into the seat beside an equally anxious Levi.

 

There was a seemingly long, and significantly awkward pause before Dott felt it appropriate to clear his throat and get down to business dismantling the topic at hand. “Jaeger, Levi…” He began, rising from his seat, as if being called by some sort of celestial chant, “Levi… Jaegar,” He pondered further, as  if completing the statement. His gaze suddenly shot down towards the two men’s eye levels, making them both jump in their seats. He paused and then said very softly, “star-crossed lovers.” He slowly sat back down after that and readied himself to really lay down the heavy stuff, it seemed. “Tell me boys, are you aware of what you’ve done?”

 

Eren looked to Levi who was quivering with fear, which seemed quite out of character for a man so bold. Comparatively, Eren was a bit more lax at the moment, and so he felt it appropriate to begin, “Well, if it’s any consolation, I was the one… you know… on the giving end, so to speak,” Eren said, confident he had redeemed both he and his panicky partner.

 

“You fucking dumbass,” Levi whisper-yelled at Eren, “That’s not the kind of thing you tell him,” he continued, “Look Mr. Pixis, Eren is eighteen, so technically I’ve done nothing wrong, non?”

 

The eccentric principal replied, “Yes. I cannot take any legal action against you, unless obviously we’re dealing with sexual assault, which doesn’t seem like the case here. In fact, you two look like a nice couple, if I do say so myself.” he remarked.

 

Eren and Levi looked at each other with a combination of disgust and confusion and then back to their superior, “Look, Mr. Pixis, I can assure you what happened last night was purely sexual-” Eren began before the principal’s face read that he had just fucked up majorly.

 

Eren tried desperately to recover, meanwhile Levi shot him the most frightening look his baby face was capable of projecting. “Um, I mean,” Eren rested his hand awkwardly on Levi’s thigh, “Levi here is my rock. I love him with all of my heart. He’s always there for me, you know.” Eren lied, trying his best to sound genuine, and in the process sounding completely corny.

 

Levi ended up playing along with it, “Oh yes, we’re just so in love you know. As they say in my native language, “Ce n'est pas un déclaration romantique. Je sais vous ne parlez pas le français, alors suce ma bite,” which I think is beautiful and says a lot about our relationship.”

 

The room went silent for awhile. “Okay then… Well, as long as you’re in a loving, supporting relationship built on trust, there’s not really much I can do about it, therefore you two are dismissed.”

 

On the way out, as soon as Eren was sure both he and Levi were out of Mr. Pixis' field of vision, he groped the behind of his rock and whispered, "don't fucking take this the wrong way, Levi... But I'm like super horny right now."

 

Levi pushed into Eren's grasp before whispering back, "How unfortunate, it's just about sixth period, and as I stated earlier, you have a test today."

 

Eren's hand promptly dropped from it's position on his teacher's ass, "Fuck are you for real right now? What's it on?"

 

"Le passé composé. C'est facile, tu vas faire bien." He said teasingly.

 

"Shit thanks that really clears things up." Eren retorted.

 

Still smirking, Levi grabbed Eren's wrist and placed the boy's hand back on his ass, "Don't worry, I can give you a little... extra credit."

 

Eren gulped. This is the kind of moment, he thought, where one questions what exactly they've gotten themselves into. Walking through a seemingly empty hallway with your hand on your French teacher's ass, it all seemed so dangerous - and yet so inviting.

 

 

* * *

 

 

translations

Levi:  
“Oi, and today you have a test. Good luck.”  
“So, you understand me now? Good. I will not speak English.”  
“This isn’t a romantic statement. I know you don’t speak French, so such my dick.”  
"Past tense. It's easy, you'll do well."

Mikasa:  
“Eren Jaeger, you big homo!”  
“You really are an idiot.”

 

 

 

 

 


	3. The Brownie Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tries to comfort Levi with some tainted pastries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's chapter three. Sorry for this taking just about forever, but I am I high school student, so inconsistent updates and a spotty schedule are the only way to manage this sort of thing.
> 
> Regardless, I guess I should put a few warnings in here. This chapter does actually depict drug use of the sorts, as well as a gratuitous amount of f-words (as well as sex, but that's kind of a given), so if this is not the sorta thing you wanna read, I totally understand.
> 
> Anyways, Here's chapter three! And as always, I really hope you enjoy!

"So, how was your day?" Levi decided to ask Eren, since they were in his car for the second time that day and currently en route to the Frenchman's apartment, which finally gave them an opportunity to talk openly with each other about certain happenstances regarding their genitals clashing, and the societal consequences of said friction.

“I nearly died a few times… had to listen to Mr. Bossard nag me for half the period about missing his lecture yesterday on Ropespear or whatever. Besides that, just dandy,” Eren took a moment to exhale with relief, celebrating his survival of his first morning after.

“I think you mean Robespierre.”

“Yeah, the jack-o’-lantern guy who went around beheading Republicans or whatever.”

Levi chuckled a bit, “Close enough.” He paused before finally diving straight into a completely new topic without thinking, “Anyway, apologies in advance, my house is a bit empty since I had been away all summer and since then had been living with Erwi-” the teacher paused, then tried to no avail to eat his words back up.

“Erwin? Like Erwin Smith?” Eren immediately deduced. Because, of course, there was only one ‘Erwi’ in Zhiganshina, and that was the living, breathing, gym class nightmare, Erwin Smith. “That’s who you broke up with? He’s not even gay though.”

Levi groaned, “I know. That’s the problem. We hooked up at the faculty Christmas party last year after having one too many on both of our parts. He just wanted to experiment. But since I was the new guy at a new job in a new country, I clung to him.” He sighed, “I was fool, you know. I need to remind myself to stop sleeping with younger guys who are only in it for the sex,” Levi buried his head in his right hand as he and Eren’s life rested in the left one on the wheel.

Levi was a lot more talkative than he seemed, Eren thought, “I hate to break it to you, but I’m much, much younger than Erwin and in fact lack the experience to even experiment in the first place,” he attempted to say nicely, “I think you moved down a tier.”

“You’re right,” Levi conceded bitterly,“What are we doing? What am I doing? I shouldn’t be pursuing lustful exploits anymore. I’m old. I need some other old man who can settle down with me and we can get a dog or something,” he thumped his head into the steering wheel, “but I fucking hate dogs!” he whined.

“Aw, Levi,” Eren began, “you’re not that old. I mean, come on, what are you, like twenty six? Hell, you’re still a kid as much as I am.” Had Levi not been driving, Eren would probably not have tried so hard to comfort his teacher, still, Eren did for once actually feel sympathetic for someone else, which was an accomplishment in and of itself on Levi’s part.

“That’s just the thing. I’m a lot older than you think. For Christ’s sake Eren I’m thirty fucking four.”

The car was silent for a moment, then seemingly out of the blue, Eren grabbed a small brown pastry and placed it on the dashboard in front of Levi as a gesture of acceptance.

“What… what the fuck is this for? If you think some freaking brownie is going to make me not hate myself then you’re wrong.” Levi growled.

“Well, you see, my friend… this is no ordinary brownie! I promise you, if you eat this all of your troubles will go away! Your inhibitions, your anxieties -- gone!” Levi looked unamused. Eren gave his eyes a roll before finally giving his secret away, “It’s a weed brownie okay. But, just trust me on this one, you’ll feel a lot better.”

“Oh? And why do you care so much about my well-being?”

Eren cleared his throat, he thought now was an appropriate time to open up about the feelings that had been pestering him all morning.“Because you’re pathetic. And cute, really cute. Like a helpless baby. I want to protect you. I want to coddle you with love and affection. I also want you to fuck me, but that’s beyond the point,” Eren bit his lip, struggling to get the rest of his words out, as he was rather inexperienced when it came to conveying romantic sentiments. Still, Levi deserved this, Eren thought, so he continued nevertheless,“though it may only be petty lust now, I still care about you. And hell, I wouldn’t mind falling in love with you either. So please, eat the damn weed brownie already.”

Red as a beet, Levi promptly stuffed the brownie into his mouth. “I’m sorry. I’m usually not this much of a mess. It’s just been a rough day, you know,” the now flattered Levi apologized, clearly intimidated by sheer willpower it must have taken Eren to say all of that. Levi wasn’t used to having honest, open lovers, so surely this was fairly new feeling Eren had conjured within him.

Though driving under the influence was usually a bad idea, in Levi’s case, it was quite the opposite, so by the time the two of them reached the parking lot of Levi’s apartment, they had consumed about half of a baker’s dozen of brownies loaded with dank amongst the both of them.

“Levi, man, maybe it was a mistake giving you all those pot brownies.. I mean you’ve been staring at the steering wheel for ten minutes since we parked and haven’t moved,” Eren informed his lover, who was currently higher than the Eiffel Tower, so to speak.

“Fuck,” Levi began, “this was a terrible idea. Please carry me to my room. I need to lie down, but cannot get up.”

Eren, who could handle his weed a little better, managed to throw Levi over his shoulder and struggle his way up six flights of stairs with constant incoherent babbling in his ears and a heavy book bag to boot. Or maybe it wasn’t incoherent, he thought. For all he knew Levi was just speaking in French again. Was there even a difference?

After prying the key from his obviously manicured fingers and getting the whereabouts of the door from his fargone mind, Eren managed to plop Levi on his futon and plop himself onto the floor next to his loopy teacher.

“So, how are you feeling?” Eren decided to ask in the hopes that Levi was recovering from what would later be known as the brownie incident.

Levi started cackling like some newborn that just discovered it had fingers.

oh shit, Eren thought, it has begun.

“L-Levi, you there man?”

“Oui- I mean, yeah. I’m, I’m okay. This is…” He snickered a little, “It’s so stupid, you know! I feel like a fucking kid.”

“Good,” Eren was relieved, Levi reacted to weed much better than Armin, at least, “So tell me, you feeling hungry?”

“Pfft, yeah!” Levi snorted. “Go over to the fridge, I should have some leftover Chinese or something…" he instructed, putting obvious effort into not breaking out into rancid laughter.

"Right, right," Eren replied, still susceptible to weed-born cackles as well, he tried to just focus on finding the food, heating the food, then feed the food to his much higher counterpart without any nonsense. This shouldn't have happened, he thought, after all, three generously dense weed brownies is rather excessive for an obvious first timer such as Levi.

All was well until Eren had gotten to the feeding part, "alright you're gonna have to sit up if you want to eat," he suggested to Levi, now lying visibly dead, face up, sprawled across his futon, eyes glued to the ceiling fan. This would have been normal behaviour for a baby’s-first-blaze moment, however the ceiling fan was not in motion and Levi’s eyes were.

"Non, non I don't want to move an inch! You feed me,” he eventually whined.

Eren grunted, fiddled with the chopsticks he had managed to find, (which in in hindsight, were a terrible idea, as operating chopsticks whilst baked was never a simple task,) then slowly lowered down a clump of greasy noodles into Levi’s mouth.

“So tell me, Eren,” Levi said with his mouth full, “we haven’t really had any time to get to know each other, so tell me… y’know… about yourself,” he gestured for Eren to lie next to him, after which the student eagerly nestled himself next to his teacher.

“Uh, right.” He paused, wondering what exactly to say, as he had lived a relatively stationary life as of yet, “well my dad’s a doctor, kinda a weird guy and I don’t see him too often because of his work, um, and my mom just kind of stays at home and uh… makes food I guess?” Eren said, really not sure of where he was going, “and there’s Mikasa. She comes to live with us during the school year. Uh, she’s from Japan so that’s cool.”

“Ah, interesting you say that because,” Levi began and then stopped abruptly, swallowing a lump in his throat, “well it’s kind of an interesting story.”

“Well, go on then. Interesting stories are the best when you’re high, I’ll have you know.”

“Right, right. Well my father was actually in the Japanese yakuza,” Levi said with a small dose of shame, “and my mother, a part of the Corsican mafia. She was stationed in Paris and they met in the criminal underworld while my dad was on an abroad mission to establish drug routes or something…. … horrible, I know. I don’t even know what they’re up to these days.”

“Huh, well that’s actually pretty rad, man. Crazy, too. I mean, woah, I really don’t know much about you do I?” Eren mused, “Geez, I don’t even know your last name.”

“I don’t normally go by it, that’s why. It connects me to my parents, to the yakuza,” he let out a bitter sigh, “I ran away from all of that, you know. I mean, on multiple occasions I’d just say Smith because it’s so generic… but then when I dated Erwin that got a little odd, so lately I’ve been kind of forced to face it again.” He smiled at Eren, “I suppose it’s time I actually tell someone else. It’s Heichou. Levi Heichou.”

“Aw dude that’s cool. Does it have any kind of meaning?” Eren said, being the type easily fascinated with anything, as he was still a little high.

“As far as I know It’s just a word for a military rank or something. But to be honest, I don’t know all too much regarding my father and his respective culture and all. I hardly knew the guy to begin with,” Levi finally laughed a little as he spoke, “That goes for both my parents, really. They were always out doing something, never held a real job, but made a pretty decent living. But I guess that’s organized crime for you.”

Eren nodded, “You know, you’re a really interesting dude, Levi. I mean, for the past few months, I always thought you were just cold and apathetic… but like, you’re really not at all. It’s just that damn look that’s always on your face. ”

“Y-you really think so?” Levi whimpered. Eren saw his instructor tearing up, “Like I said, I’m not usually this emotional it’s just… It’s probably the weed, now that I think about it.”

“Levi, it’s fine…”

He laughed, “Look what you’re doing to me, Eren. This has been the most peculiar day and I-”

Levi’s lips were interrupted with Eren’s own, as the student felt suddenly compelled to make-out with the pathetically sobbing, stoned Frenchman. It seemed Eren was quite eager for another sweaty tumble, as he aggressively moved his hands down Levi’s body, unbuttoning, unzippering, and overall just friction mongering wherever his appendage went, until the poor guy was ass-naked and erect.

“Fuck, Eren. We can’t do this now. I can hardly move, you dumb shit!” Levi panted, finally able to speak as Eren’s lips moved elsewhere. “And what about the rest of my snack, huh? I’ll have you kno-”

“Shush,” Eren said, putting his fingers to Levi’s lips in the same manner he had that morning, “I think I can manage doing all the work. Besides… you’re obviously horny…” He added, gesturing at Levi’s now exposed crotch, “And I am as well. So let’s get this over with and then snooze for a bit.”

Levi grunted, “Fine. I have some lube lying around here somewhere. Find it, and as long as I don’t have to lift a finger, I’ll agree to your little proposition.”

Eren grabbed his bag from below the futon and pulled out a familiar looking bottle, “Stole yours from last night” He winked.

Levi rolled his eyes, “One final condition, by the way. I’m not taking your huge dick in my ass again, so figure something else out.”

Eren was flattered, but still perhaps a bit let down, "well then," he removed his shirt and began stroking Levi's cock, "ah, dude you're pretty hung yourself... I mean, especially for an Asian guy..." Eren said, swallowing a lump in his throat, justifiably nervous about the impending doom upon his ass, as he might've put it.

Levi smirked, perhaps because of Eren's comment regarding his schlong, or maybe just out of sheer ecstasy, but most likely a mixture of both. He found himself screaming Eren's name as his student give the head of his cock an explorative lick. "Eren hurry up and prep yourself, I wanna fuck you so bad right now."

"Nnn, you do it,"Eren murmured, his voice muffled by the cock nearly down his throat. He swung his body around so that his ass was right above Levi's face and slid his pants down, (considering he was going commando that day, this proved rather easy), "I'm busy at the moment."

"Mon Dieu," Levi grumbled before eagerly inserting his tongue inside Eren and instead using his fingers to service Eren's half-flaccid cock, which made him nearly weep with satisfaction.

With his one available hand Levi tried his best to brace Eren's asshole for impact with what little lube he had left, "Fuck Levi I've had it just let me ride you already!" Eren insisted, as he got up and hovered over Levi's Penis.

"Are you absolutely sure you're ready for this, Eren?" Levi said with concern, being rather experienced in the sport of riding large cock, he knew exactly what Eren was getting himself into. Which at least made one of them.

"Bitch I was born ready," Eren confidently retorted as he slammed himself down onto his partner's dick. For a moment, all was quiet.

"...nevermind," he wheezed in pain, "nothing on Earth could have prepared me for that," he remarked, suddenly feeling as if he had been split in half from the ass up.

"A-are you okay?” Levi huffed, “Shit it doesn't hurt too bad does it?" he said, trying his hardest to express concern when all he wanted to do was scream.

"I'm good. I've been through worse. Just buck those limber fucking hips of yours and I think I’ll be good." He grunted, trying to no avail to get a rhythm going with his shaky movement.

Levi reached out his hands to support Eren at his sides, and with a nod of confirmation from Eren, Levi did what he did best: fucked like there was no tomorrow. “There,” He breathed heavily, “feel better now, don’t you?” He asked after a series of thrusts.

Eren threw his head back violently as Levi pounded inside of him, “Aw man, it was totally worth feeling like I was Vlad the Impaler's newest victim, because holy shit this is fucking great,” he cried.

“Comes with experience, Mister Jaeger,” Levi grunted, “Shit, I sound like your goddamn teacher don’t I?” He said somehow without wavering hip movement.

“Well, uh,” Eren panted, “you are my goddamn teacher… Monsieur Heichou.”

“Oh fuck you didn’t just, “ He paused, swallowed the lump in his throat, “dammit… I think I’m gonna… d-do it some more, the teacher thing I mean”

“So, professeur,” he began, interrupted by inevitable whimpers as his professeur slammed his cock into Eren’s prostate, “Ah, god! Shit… I mean… fuck. Uh, how’d I do on that test today?”

“Fuck Eren, keep going, I’m about to…”

“Yeah me too,” he gasped, “Oh, professeur… fuck. Do me like your goddamn paperwork you fucking French sex machine.” Eren found himself himself struggling just to speak as he was violently gyrated around by said French sex machine, regardless, the more he spoke, the harder Levi fucked him, so it was imperative he kept his mouth running, “God, f-fuck you fucking monster you’re going to tear me the fuck in two oh fuck, teach, what I ever do to deserve this?” Eren teased.

Levi jumped at the gratuitous use of expletives and threw himself over top of Eren, “Open your fucking mouth you fucking whore,” he commanded, promptly shoving his tongue down Eren’s throat and hammering the poor boy vigorously through both of their orgasms. After which, Levi collapsed on top of Eren and the two of them found themselves attempting to make-out, though after having their sense of up and down completely thwarted by a cruel combination of weed brownies and violent sex, this notion proved difficult. Thus, they eventually gave up and decided spooning would suffice until further notice.

“By the way, you fucking passed with flying colors,” Levi whispered before eventually dozing off as Eren had already.

It was about a half hour until the two of them were awoken by knocking accompanied by a husky voice at the door, “Yo, Levi, I got some of your stuff from my place.”

Levi’s eyes shot open at the sound of a voice he knew all too well.

“Whatever, I don’t have much time, so I’ll just let myself in.” The tall, blond man said. “Oh,” He looked up at the scene of the crime with Levi currently trying to cover his tracks by throwing a blanket over the other body on the couch. “I see you’re busy. You know what, I’ll just…uh, I’ll just- come back some other time...”

He walked back towards the hallway before Levi ran up and grabbed his arm. “Erwin please, just forget you saw this,” Levi begged, trying to make eye contact with Erwin, unfortunately, the man’s eyes shot straight over Levi’s head (as they usually would, taking their height difference into account.) and towards the mysterious lump on the futon, poorly covered by a quilt.

“I-is that Jeager on your futon.” He paused to think, and eventually made a startling connection, “Jaeger was Nixon? You left Rocky for some skinny ass eighteen year old Nixon?” Erwin exclaimed.

“Well at least Nixon never left his fucking boyfriend to make out with some… some half-assed Lady Gaga!” Levi retorted.

“In my defense, I thought that was a drag queen.”

Somewhere amidst the clamor, Eren had awoken.

“Well maybe if your dick was thicker than your eyebrows we wouldn’t be having this argument!” Was the first thing he heard from Levi as he opened his eyes.

“W-what’s going on… uh…” Suddenly, Erwin entered his field of vision, “Oh… oh fuck. Oh fuck shit fuck no this… you… Mister Smith?”

“Great job Levi, you woke up the baby!” Erwin snarked.

“Uh… guys.”

“Well at least the baby doesn’t have a chronic fear of having a dick in his ass like you!” Levi hissed, ignoring Eren.

“Guys!”

“Some people just don’t like to switch it up, seesh! Besides, you said I was great in bed.” Erwin pouted.

“Guys…”

“Hmpf, as if! You’re not half as good as Eren, and it was his first time, mind you!” Levi argued.

“Guys!!”

“Beginner’s luck! You’re just impossible to please!” Erwin whined.

“Oh my god you guys shut the fuck up!” Eren screamed, demanding the two’s attention, “I have had it. You guys are fucking weak, man. Weak as hell.” The two halted their lover’s quarrel to draw their attention to the boy on the futon.

“You’re right,” Erwin conceded, “this is childish of us.” Levi nodded, and so Erwin felt it was right to continue, “I’m going to leave…I’ll bring back the rest of your stuff tomorrow, Levi.” He said, then walked out the door before finally turning around to give one final remark, “By the way…” he look at them over his shoulder, “you’re both still, uh… naked.”

Much like Adam and Eve, the two of them suddenly felt shame. A whole lot of it. However, instead of retreating into some barren wasteland and raising the two parties involved in the world's-first-homicide, Eren and Levi got under the blankets and retreated to the barren wasteland that was local-broadcast television.

Eventually, Eren would have to explain why he never came home last night, and why he smelled like weed, Chinese food, and lube, but of course, he had all evening, and planned on spending every second of it watching Jerry Springer-esque confrontation programs with Levi. It was apparent that his argument with Erwin was infact, quite civil in comparison. At least no one started twerking.


	4. Homecumming, Part Un

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blood, beat-downs, blow-jobs, and birthing. Part one of Zhiganshina High Homecoming Hell 2013 begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again. I am back. Tell a friend. 
> 
> Or don't. If your friends find out you're reading this you'll probably be judged pretty harshly I'd imagine. (This is a joke. A terrible joke.)
> 
> Anyways, excuse the fact this took so long. I've actually had the idea for this chapter for a while now, and only recently came to the realization I couldn't possibly dish this out in one chapter. So it'll be two parts.
> 
> Before you read, however, it's probably best to drop a few trigger warnings just in case. This chapter does contain a little bit of violence, albeit lighthearted, as well as the usual mary-jane blazing and sex. Also, the worst French pun you will ever read in your life time (read translation section with discretion.)

Had Levi experienced a homecoming of his own, or even a childhood for that matter, he would have completely scoffed at the notion of Eren taking him as his date to homecoming. However, after careful contemplation, he decided this is something the two of them may be able to get away with.

 

“Fine, Eren, I’ll do it,” He conceded. “But it’s not like we can, you know, actually present as a couple. I’ll just volunteer as a chaperone for the night and we can stare at each other longingly from across the dancefloor as Doctor Zoe and I get hopelessly drunk off of vodka disguised in sprite cans,” Levi ranted in a sort of whisper-yell to Eren. They were in school, of course he couldn’t actually yell at Eren to mask his amusement towards the boy’s invitation. Whisper-yelling would have to suffice.

 

“Now go Eren, I can’t keep you after class too long. We can’t have Auruo growing suspicious of me, now can we?” Levi flirted, giving Eren’s backside a pat, as he usually would after sending the kid off to his nightmare of a history teacher. “ It’s as Louis XV said, Après moi le déluge.”

 

“Dude, Principal Pixis knows. The whole student body knows,” Eren finally said, ignoring Levi’s foreign blurb, “Everyone knows we’ve been fucking every day after school for the past week. I don’t get why you keep pretending this is some sort of Romeo-Juliet scenario. I mean, maybe it’s like that over in Europe… but here, no one gives a shit if you’re fucking a dude, dude.”

 

Levi rolled his eyes at Eren’s apparent ignorance, “Actually, we’d be a lot better off in France. Hell, we could get, er, married in France -- legally…. I mean not that that’s… you know….”

 

Eren gave him the cheekiest smile possible, almost coaxing him to tread down the path of no return, Levi resisted, “Anyways! Even if everyone is aware of us doing the nasty, often as we do… it doesn’t mean we should just flaunt it! Pixis could fire me any day now. If he gets an inkling thank we’re not actually _in love_ and that we’re just having casual sex,my ass gets the boot.”

 

“Well that’s the best part of my homecoming idea. People don’t take their casual sex-ees to prom -- no, they take their goddamn high school sweethearts! Foolproof, yeah?” Eren spoke, almost as if he was genuinely convinced a student taking his 34-year-old teacher as his date to homecoming was a good idea.

 

Levi smirked, realizing he had  just gained the upper-hand in this debate, “So that makes me your highschool sweetheart, non?” Good one Levi, he thought to himself.

 

Eren scratched his nose, looked away, did anything he could do to avoid seeing Levi’s conceited smile, even so, he had to defend himself, “Well, I mean…” he began, forcing a cough to stall for a moment before finally swallowing the lump in his throat and answering his teacher’s question, “Well I am in highschool… and you’re… well, not much of a sweetheart. But still, you took my fucking virginity in more ways than one and I introduced you to marijuana. If that ain’t sweet to the heart, I don’t know what is.”

 

“Fair enough. No twerking, though. Or weed.”

 

However, much to Levi’s dismay, both happened.

 

Homecoming came and at first he was cautious, hung around with Hanji, the other unlucky soul to wear the title of chaperone, waved to Eren a few times when they both entered each other’s fields of vision, and ultimately leaned back against the wall in dismal regret of his choices over the past week.

 

“So you’re hitting that,” The frantically brilliant Hanji asked, pointing towards the boy in the tee-shirt with the tuxedo design on it and the sleeves ripped off who was currently trying to do the robot along with his rag-tag stoner clan.

 

Levi sighed, nodded, and took another swig out of his cleverly-disguised liquor. “That’d be him.”

 

Hanji nodded, “Well go be with him then. Dance the night away.”

 

“You’re kidding right? Isn’t this outrageous? Am I not unacceptable? Isn’t finding a student who’s practically two decades your junior attractive a deplorable act these days?”Levi retorted, took an angry swig of his beverage, and added, “You know, in my day and age this was the sort of thing one kept under wraps.”

 

“The way I see it,” Hanji said softly, “You’re two adults who enjoy physical intimacy with one another. You’re America’s worst nightmare, and you’re unstoppable for Christ’s sake! So get on that dancefloor and grind your damn genitals together like there’s no tomorrow,” They said with incredible pathos, giving Levi a slight push in the direction of the dancefloor.

 

It was probably just the incognito vodka, and not actually Hanji’s motivating speech, but something made Levi take a pilgrimage through the crowd of sweaty teens over to the corner of the gymnasium that Eren and company made their own. With every unintentional bump into the occasional inebriated, gyrating sophomore, Levi’s confidence in his journey grew less. Hopefully, he thought, the payoff would prove his trip worth the discomfort. 

 

Eventually, he made it to his destination, feeling as if he’d just journeyed through hell and back. And he looked like it too. Though ridden with Ke$ha-born migraine and self-pity, he felt relieved he had made it this far.

 

“Eren,” Levi cleared his throat and looked towards his lover, who was currently thrusting his hips in the most lewd manner possible and in sync with some coconut head boy, a short bald man in a dress, a pregnant girl, and scarf-mask-girl. “Erm, what exactly are you doing?”

 

The merrymaking halted, “Uh… we’re mocking everyone else here,” Eren said as if it were obvious why he and his friends were jolting in such a bawdy manner, “Duh!” he added.

 

“You’re only making fools of yourselves, you know,” Levi rolled his eyes.

 

“Who even are you?” a dolled-up Connie retorted, “Why are you here, you’re probably like forty!”

 

Eren cleared his throat, “Guys,” he began, addressing his ensemble, “that’s Levi. Y’know… the teacher I’ve been fucking,” he spoke shamelessly, which was fine, considering Levi made up for Eren’s lack in humility, “Regardless! How about we all get antiquated around the communal bong, eh? I reserved us a nice stall in the girl’s restroom on the fourth floor, should be empty. Quiet, too.”

 

“Yes, that sounds like a great idea,” Levi said sarcastically, however apparently his sarcasm was too subtle for the dazed and confused teens to pick up on.

 

“It’s settled,” Armin said, “fourth floor, girl’s room. Rendezvous in five.”

 

Within mere moments, Levi found himself cooped up in some bathroom stall, sitting atop a toilet seat that thousands had placed their bare bums on, lips wrapped around the mouthpiece of some bong that had been god-knows-where, laughing and genuinely enjoying himself, all while in the company of Eren, america’s-next-top-drag-queen, seventeen-and-pregnant, coconut-head, and the soul-sister of his barely-legal boy toy.

 

“You know, people say I’m protective over Eren. Those people are usually right,” Mikasa said to Levi, “but Levi, I gotta tell you, you seem like a good guy,” she said after Levi went on some sort of tangent about his criminal parents, “so take good care of Eren for me.”

 

Levi nodded and took another hit from the bong until passing it to Connie, “by the way, uh, Conrad, was it?…”

 

“It’s Connie... Yeah, I assume you’re wondering why I’m wearing a dress,” Levi nodded, “it’s Sasha’s, but as you can see,” He took a huff, “she’s way too pregnant to fit into it. It was expensive, though, you know. So I told her I’d wear it for her,” he said, giving Sasha a peck on the cheek as he did. Sasha pretended to be amused, though watching all of her friends get high while she abstained for the sake of her child wasn’t all too much fun.

 

Sasha cleared her throat, “Speaking of which, _Conrad_ …” She said, “It’s nearly 9, they’ll be announcing the homecoming king and queen soon, and we’re not missing that shit since we’re actually in the running this year,” she pronounced, “also, I heard whoever wins is gonna get doused in pig blood,” she said cheekily.

 

“Dude, that is some Carrie level shit going on. Can’t wait to see how Bert and Reiner are gonna react-” Eren began, only to be met with vengeful stares from his peers, “Oh come on! You guys aren’t gonna win! We all know Bert and Ernie will.” He rolled his eyes.

 

“Regardless, we should get going,” Armin urged, signaling the gang the exeunt the bathroom stall.

 

However, before Eren reached the door, Levi grabbed the back of his shirt, “You’re not going anywhere,” he teased, tugging on his collar until Eren fell back into his lap, “I fucking witnessed more than a lifetime’s worth of shit-faced fourteen year olds trying to shake their asses to Waka Flocka and moreover smoked enough pot to fuel fifty consecutive indie music festivals, so now, it’s time for you to cater to my needs,” he ranted, all the while grinding his throbbing length against his pupil’s backside. He was infact so eager to do the nasty with Eren he forgot he was still in earshot of Connie, Sasha, Armin, and Mikasa. However, Levi was brutally reminded of this when he heard cackling coming from outside of the handicapped stall that would soon serve as their _La Salle de Bang_.

 

“Pfft. You horny old man,” Eren said, chuckling.

 

Levi shrugged it off, “I don’t give a shit what your friends think of me, you know,” He wrapped his arms around his lover’s hips as his fingers slithered beneath Eren’s navel and followed the trail of poorly man-scaped hairs down south to Eren’s nether-region. With ease, he flicked Eren’s pants open and because of his lack of underwear, his cock practically flew out of the pants that once bound it.

 

“You went commando? Again? Do you even own boxers, Eren?” Levi spoke teasingly into Eren’s ear.

 

“I should be asking you the same question” Eren replied, “All you ever wear is that Victoria’s Secret shit, dude,”

 

Levi rolled his eyes, “it’s just personal preference,” he whispered as he pulled Eren’s shirt over his head and slid his left hand up over Eren’s abdomen and began servicing his nipple, which forced a moan of surrender out of the young man.

 

“Fuck, Levi, fuck! Fuck me, fuck me with that _Leviathan_ cock of yours-”

 

Levi snickered at the ingenious large whale metaphor used to describe his penis, “Leviathan, huh?”

 

“Oh fuck you,” He began before feeling the need to whimper as Levi rubbed his palm against the tip of his cock, “I- It’s funny ok.”

 

“Well then, I hope you like seafood…” Levi said coyly.

 

“What the fu-” was all Eren managed to say before he was suddenly ejected from his seat on Levi’s lap. Before he knew it, he was lying face-up on the cold, dirty bathroom floor with Levi’s foot on his crotch. “What the fuck.”

 

Downstairs, the tension between candidates was heating up. Rather, it was boiling over. At least in Sasha’s eyes. However, it was obvious to the rest of the student body that Reiner Braun, the star quarterback who had won the Titans their homecoming game, and Bertholdt Hoover, who was popular simply because he was dating Reiner, would be coronated with their petty plastic crowns.

 

And, as predicted, Reiner and Bertholdt’s names were announced, and a tired, unenthusiastic crowd clapped. Though no one really cared, every individual gave in to the clapping, each in fear of being knuckle-sandwiched by the R-man himself.

 

Connie looked towards Sasha, who was perhaps the only one not clapping, “Look, baby, I’m sorry we didn’t win.” The would-be homecoming queen looked towards her date with the kind of look one gets before they do something gruesome. Something like giving a clandestine hand signal to an associate backstage who would then pull a suspicious looking rope, and trigger a cascade of pigs blood to spill all over one Bertholdt Hoover just as Doctor Zoe was placing a girly tiara on the poor boy’s cranium.

 

Connie was of course shocked by just how cruel Sasha could get in competitive situations. She would go from a laid-back foodie to a nefarious maniac when a reward was involved. Even if it was a two dollar plastic tiara that some uninspired soul purchased from Target.

 

Going by the clamor the crowd produced after a few silent moments of shock, and of course the fact that Bertholdt was out cold, Reiner was visibly swearing revenge as he cracked his knuckles and sniffed as if he could smell his enemies from all the way up on stage, that somehow the DJ chose to play _Raining Blood_ by Slayer at this exact moment, and Sasha was laughing like she just invented meth-dealing robots or something of that nature, Connie could easily surmise that he and Sasha were indeed _incredibly fucked_.

 

He decided texting Eren would be the best solution. ‘Eren always knows what to do,’ Connie tried to convince himself, when really he was just asking for permission to start an all-out brawl, “ok bert won but sasha wasnt fucking kidding when she said it was gonna rain blood or whatever and i think reiner is gonna kill us all” he managed to type out on his crappy old Nokia in the midst of the pandamonium. However, no reply.

 

‘Whatever,’ Connie thought to himself, ‘I can wait. Take your time, Jaeger,’ he tried to assure himself everything was fine as he saw his pregnant girlfriend knock a tooth straight out of Reiner’s mouth, flip him over, and hold him in a choke hold, as the students around them all chanted for her. Meanwhile, an ambulance crew rushed Bertholdt out on a stretcher.

 

‘dood fuck we are so fucked man come on answer me right now’ He sent again, now in an elevated state of panic. After Sasha finished Reiner off (and he as well was then taken out on a stretcher) and broke up the chanting crowd, Connie was struck with relief as he thought it was all over. Sasha would run over to him and hug him and they could find Armin and Mikasa and go satisfy the munchies at Denny’s or something. However, it seems that _Reign in Blood_ was just the calm before the storm.

 

Sasha did, of course, try to run over and hug Connie. Though suddenly she stopped. It seemed there was to be a second cascade of bodily fluids that night, “Shit,” she said under her breath, suddenly clenching her stomach in pain, “Fuck! Connie, my fucking water just broke oh god we’re fucked, we’re so intricately fucked man.”

 

Connie froze, as any person would in that situation. The third cascade of warm bodily fluids then commenced in his pants, “Uhhhhh, uhhhhhh, uhhhhh!!!”

 

“Stop pissing yourself and get me to the fucking hospital you dipshit!” Sasha screamed in agony.

 

“Dude my license was suspended since like… they found weed in my locker. I don’t know how that adds up but you get the picture…” he muttered, trying, and failing, to not worsen the mood.

 

“Get Armin!”

 

“He doesn’t drive. Says it’s bad for the environment or something,” Connie said in a panic.

 

“Call Eren, he’s with that French guy. I bet he drives!” Sasha somehow managed to say whilst in labor.

 

“Right, right,” Connie pulled out his phone and dialed the number of his companion, who was, unbeknownst to him, currently in the act of doing-it.

 

Back in the stall, the criss-crossed lovers currently had the other’s dick down each of their throats, nevertheless, Eren thought it was time he comfort Connie, he rolled his eyes and picked up the phone, “Yo I got your texts just chill man you’ll be fine,” He said, forgetting there was a dick in his mouth which rendered his speech muffled. Levi rolled his eyes, but nevertheless continued to do unto others as they had done unto him, and continue deepthroating Eren’s cock.

 

“Eren, first of all, what the fuck did you just say. Second of all, we need Levi to drive us somewhere. Find Arlelt and Ackerman and meet us in the faculty parking lot,” Connie ranted anxiously.

 

“Dude, we’re kind of in the middle of a fellatio transaction right now. Can’t help you.” Eren tried to say, annoyed, also dick still in his mouth.

 

“Sasha is giving birth right now man hurry the fuck up,” Connie shouted.

 

Eren dropped his phone and his jaw simultaneously, “Levi, you know that pregnant friend of mine…” he said, mouth now empty of dick.

 

“Oh fuck you’re joking.” Eren shook his head, “No, no. And I’m presuming a bunch of stoners like you all have suspended licenses, so I’ve gotta fucking drive you all?” Eren nodded. Levi sighed, got up, and slipped some pants on, “I’ll do it. But only because I’m a good person. As soon as she’s situated in the hospital we’re going to fuck, alright?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Translations

  * "Après moi, le déluge," is actually a quote from Louis XV which means "After me, the flood," which actually refers to his indulgent spending and how that would affect his country after his death.
  * Also, "la salle de bang" is a horrible pun made by yours truly, which takes "la salle de bain," which means "bathroom" and replacing bain with bang, which would mean the room of bang, sort of. haha. im not funny.




	5. Homecumming, part deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thrilling conclusion to the most hellishly bloody homecoming arch in crappy homoerotic slash fanfiction history (technically, I can't legally back this statement up but you get the point.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I do apologize for the nearly two month hiatus! But there were the holidays and then midterms and just so much going on lately I've hardly had time to keep up with this. However, that shouldn't happen again for a while and I have plenty more chapters to dish out, I do believe.
> 
> Anywho, this is sort of a chaotic and short chapter but I wanted to put something up as soon as I could just to let you guys know I'm still alive I guess. Also if you have any questions you can hit me up on my tumblr (there's a link on my profile.)
> 
> And finally, I really hope you enjoy!

As Levi pulled into a seemingly random spot amongst the hundreds of empty slots in the hospital parking lot, he and Eren both felt a strong sense of relief.

 

“It’s all over,” Levi said reclining the driver’s seat back into a 180 degree angle, “Sasha’s safe in the maternity ward,” he flicked the radio on with his foot in the suavest manner one could whilst still trembling from what was perhaps the most traumatic drive in his automobile piloting career, “Somehow we managed to get Armin and Mikasa out of that locker they barricaded themselves inside of,” out what must have been divine intervention, at that moment, Marvin Gaye’s 1973 hit Let’s Get It On began playing. The two paused.

 

“... well,” Eren cleared his throat, “We can’t not have sex now…” Eren spoke unthinkingly, followed by another long pause.

 

“Prends-moi, Eren,” Levi screamed at the top of his lungs, pouncing on top of his unexpecting lover in the backseat.

 

Meanwhile, in the maternity ward, Sasha was popping out babies like it was a sport. Connie was crying because his curiosity got the best of him when he decided to see the miracle of childbirth up-close-and-personal. Armin was having another bad high, and finally, Mikasa was trying to get the whole ensemble to relax for a fucking second because future fathers Erd and Gunther had entered the room and perhaps they were not expecting the trainwreck they had just walked into.

 

“I-I’m sorry, it’s just the hospital called us and.... erm, you wouldn’t happen to be Ms. Braus, would you?” A shy man with long blonde hair spoke softly, clinging to his husband.

 

“Yeah you’re just in time for the third…” Sasha grunted, “and so help me god,” she groaned, “the last.”

 

Back to the backseat of Sasha’s car, Eren and Levi were having a bit of an intense frot session when suddenly they heard a knocking on the car window.

 

“Boys, I’m gonna need you to exit the vehicle,” a stern authoritative voice commanded.

 

Eren knew that voice. Hell, every Zhiganshina local knew that spine tingling voice. It was Officer Nile Dok, the man who took down Hannes, everyone’s favorite drug dealer, a few years back. Knowing this, Eren insisted he and Levi take proper precautions, “Levi babe, you gotta put your fucking pants on! You don’t want to fuck around with this guy."

 

Quickly as possible, the two slid their pants up to their hips and left the vehicle neglecting the button feature of their trousers only to find Nile Dok, the man, the myth, the legend, slipping himself into a pair of latex gloves with an eager look on his face. Getting a pat down from Officer Dok was not what Eren and Levi had in mind when they planned to have their dicks firmly rubbed against that evening, but here they were, big, latex-ey, sweaty hands, awkwardly fondling their boners.

 

"Yeah... I'm gonna need you to put your hands on the vehicle, boys."

 

The two swallowed the lumps in their throats and did as the officer told them, only to find that was the exact moment their trousers decided to give up hanging onto their hips.

 

"Fuck. Levi, run," Eren said, blasting off at the speed of sound, pants around his ankles, with Levi not far behind. However, the two didn't get very far before the garments at their feet became their demise as their poor crying faces hit the cold asphalt and Nile began fastening handcuffs around their wrists before throwing them into the back of the police car.

 

Back in the hospital, Sasha had just brought life into the world and all was well. Until the nurse turned on the TV, that is. Specifically, the local news, currently broadcasting the mugshots of two shadily familiar individuals bearing the headline, “Foreign Stoner Streakers Invade Local Hospital. No One is Safe.”

 

“Fucking sensationalist media and their negative portrayal of weed culture,” Connie ranted, unaware of the two disheveled looking men in the mugshots.

 

“I’m going to fucking murder those two,” Mikasa growled, being the first to recognize her brother and his acquaintance .

 

“Shitfuck,” Armin shrieked, “That’s not.. no, they’re not…” he said, shaking his head in denial of his friend and said friend’s boyfriend being the “one visibly asian, and the other probably an arab, naked and on the run” that the news took such liberty to describe.

 

“Here. Take it, it’s yours now,” Sasha said, plopping the baby into Gunther’s arms, then tearing the IV out of her arm without flinching, “I’ve got two idiots to save from the long arm of the law,” she said, Styx’s 1978 hit Renegade inevitably echoing in her head as she marched out of the maternity ward alongside an empty shell of an Armin, an enraged Mikasa, and Connie, still in quasi-drag.

 

“W-wait! Ms. Braus, you really shouldn’t be leaving so soon,” a nurse pleaded, however neither Sasha nor any of her friends gave the poor woman a response as they closed the elevator door right in her face.

 

“Sahsa, you sure you can drive? I mean, you did just give birth?” Mikasa asked, ever the protective one when it came to her friends.

 

“I don’t need to,” Sasha smirked, showing Mikasa Reiner’s latest tweet on her phone.

 

“man that fucking sasha is crazy let me tell ya. just wanted to let u all know bert is ok were in the hospital and everythings cool xoxo,” it read.

 

“Fucking quarterback uses x's and o's in his tweets wow what a nerd,” Connie mused.

 

It wasn’t long until Sasha, still in her hospital gown, had Reiner at fist-point for a second time that night, threatening to knock his fucking teeth out if he didn’t drive her and her posse to the police station to save her streaking friend and his plus one. Granted this wasn’t a welcome display in a hospital lobby

 

“Alright, alright fine,” Reiner conceded, trying not to piss his pants, “I’ll do it okay just whatever you do don’t kill me,” he bargained, signaling the traumatized Bertholdt to go get the station wagon.

 

Everyone seemed to let their guard down and get in the car in as orderly a fashion possible for a rag-tag clan of stoners and the quarterback whom they were probably planning to do away with when they were done with him, as Bertholdt pulled up in front of the hospital.

 

"Y-you guys cool with Lionel Richie?" Bertholdt, putting a CD into the player, asked his antsy passengers in an attempt to mellow out the harshness as he drove them to a police station to pick up their exibitionist asshole friends.

 

"Nah, fuck that weak stuff. Put on some Sabbath, man" Connie so kindly suggested.

 

Unfortunately for everyone, Bertholdt did not have a Black Sabbath CD, though the gang seemed to settle on the Spice Girls once Reiner mentioned that they were Bertholdt’s guilty pleasure. Perhaps only to humiliate poor Bert, but most likely out of genuine respect for the Spice Girls.

 

Meanwhile, those enjoying too much pleasure to experience guilt were making out in a holding cell, completely ignorant to the fact that they were snogging in between two members of the Aryan Brotherhood; both of whom seemed not only angry that they had been arrested for the umpteenth time, but that a gay interracial couple was frenching right there beside them.

 

However, for Eren and Levi, they had not a care in the world that two racist beefcakes were probably conspiring to stab them in their comparatively skinny little guts. As it were, they had just reached the point where lust for another’s body became lust for the other’s entire being and therefore these defenseless, amorous fools could not be bothered by such trite concerns such as their impending bloody doom via makeshift prison shank.

 

“Alright lovebirds, your friends posted bail. Get the hell out of here,” An officer said seconds prior to a size 14 boot going up someone’s ass, signaling for the still oblivious tongue fencers to abandon their conspirators in the cell and leave scott-free.

 

Needless to say the car ride out of there was awkward up until booze was introduced, then it was only really awkward for Betholdt who was driving. Compared to what was to follow, however, said venture was smooth-sailing.

 

At approximately 3 AM, a horde of sexual deviants stoned out of their minds wandered their way into a Denny’s. All but one seemed to be singing a drunken bastardization of The Spice Girl’s 1996 hit, Wannabe. Two were said to have been wearing prison scrubs, another in a hospital gown, and the rest in torn and tattered formalwear.

 

The inebriated seven-eighths of the clan waddled their way over to a table as Bertholdt sook out whom it was he owed an apology on behalf of his intoxicated entourage. When he returned to the table after making sure he made the staff aware of the drunkards’ presence, he found his French teacher bargaining with the waiter to bring out vodka shots, all in French, which Bertholdt could actually understand as he was in Levi’s AP French class and perhaps the only person who did well in said class.

 

Ashamed, he sat down next to Reiner and gave the waiter a look of desperation in the hopes the poor man would excuse him for allowing his friend’s atrocious behaviour to continue, and then he promptly rested his head on the table and desperately tried to shut out the sounds of Spice Girls and French swearing. After a few moments it seemed the waiter had left and all was well. But then it sounded like the waiter had returned and with beer bottles. All was not well.

 

“Fuck man let’s play spin the bottle,” Connie suggested, waving around an empty beer. “I’ll go first,” he said, pushing the bottle so that it began to swirl haphazardly, rotating a few times before finally coming to a halt with it’s mouth facing Bertholdt.

 

“Alright, Bert, pucker up!” Connie said, leaning over the table to meet his victim’s lips. Bertholdt was, of course, reluctant, but allowed Connie to smudge his lips over his frozen face, nevertheless.

 

“I guess I have to roll now don’t I?” Bertholdt wined. Crossing his fingers and praying the bottle would land on Reiner, he spun the empty brown vessel with his eyes shut and a desperate cringe on his face.

 

Within a few moments, he could tell by the sounds everyone was making that it was far from landing on his boyfriend, the only person save for his mother he’d ever kissed, and in opening his eyes he discovered would was perhaps the worst case scenario.

 

“P-professeur… no… I can’t” Bertholdt pleaded, “come on guys, he’s my teacher you can’t make me do this!” He whined.

 

Eren smirked, “That doesn’t stop us from doing nasty shit in bed, so I’m sure you can survive a peck on the lips,” he remarked.

 

Levi, whose inhibitions were nowhere to be found, nodded in agreement, “Bien dit, mon chéri. C’est vrai.”

 

Bertholdt cringed again. It’s not that Levi wasn’t a good looking man, because hell he was the handsomest guy in the Denny’s by far, but Bert, unlike Eren, was a man of virtue. How could he possibly bring himself to kiss a teacher of his whom he revered and respected? Surely to soil the sacred bond between teacher and student was treason against common decency.

 

However, it seemed he wouldn’t need to bring himself to kiss Levi, because Levi brought plenty of himself into Bertholdt’s mouth before he could even concede and say “I’ll do it, but just a peck and absolutely no tongue.”

 

The crowd went wild as Bertholdt received what was probably the greatest kiss of his life. And though Bert would never admit it, the redness on his cheeks said it all.

 

Eventually, every probable kiss had happened, and the gang was all puckered out. And after eighty dollars worth of pancakes and beer, it seemed the gang finally surrendered and let Bertholdt drive them all to somewhere they could crash. At that point, Eren somehow managed to communicate that his basement would be an ideal place for everyone to surrender to their stupers and hit the hay, and thus, they headed there.

  
  
  
  



End file.
